we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
