Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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