i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
