There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
