Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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