Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i now understand why vodka
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
