so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
