my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
