how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
