I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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