I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
