mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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