When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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