UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
