I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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