I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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