my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
