Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
ttyl tear gas
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
