I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
