I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I am spending my child support on dildos
someone owes me an orgasm
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
