Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
