my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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