Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
