Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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