Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
