Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
