ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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