Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish there were birth control emojis
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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