He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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