this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
