cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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