Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
