Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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