How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
