If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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