The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
