Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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