you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
