how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
