You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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