there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
