I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
