Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Only a mothe r could love this liver
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
