you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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