The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
These tits shall not be calmed
I deserve this hangover.
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