I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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