just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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