Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
