there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
