I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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