Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
